What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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