I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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