There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
