Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
