I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
