Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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