I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
