i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
