What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
