Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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