apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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