Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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