Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
