she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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