Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
