I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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