I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
