Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
