Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
