Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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