so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
