Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
