You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Shame - the story of my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
