i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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