you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
