Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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