Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
