you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
