Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
