She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
