i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
