Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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