it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
