remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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