So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
