It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
