My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
