I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
