I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
