we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
