i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
