She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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