You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
