he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
