Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
