I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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