it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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