my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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