so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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