life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
