does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
