He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
