I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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