if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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