What did we do last night that was yellow?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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