It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
