i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
