woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
