i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
